A Little Church Humor

What is a church?
A Place where you encounter nodding acquaintances.

Two men named Joe Smith lived near each other in the same town. One was a preacher, and the other a businessman. The minister died the same day as the businessman boarded a plane to Florida.  The Joe in Florida sent a message to his wife. Unfortunately, the message was delivered in error to the wife of the deceased minister.  The message read:  Arrived safely. Heat here is hotter than hell.  The minister's wife fainted.

A minister's wife was often called upon to play the piano for services. She wasn't a trained or talented pianist, but she was available. Knowing in advance she'd play for Sunday services, she went to the church to practice. When she finished, she left, but stopped to chat with the gardener. "How was my execution of the hymns?"  The gardener, wanting to be complimentary, replied, "I've never heard anyone kill music better than you." 

My Books on Amazon

Zingers from the Past

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:   "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

"That depends, Sir, "   said Disraeli,   "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy   ."

-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."

-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. for support rather than illumination."

-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx

How do you feel about these?  Are they funny? Rude?  Negative? Would you use them?  I write novels with faith and humor, but I'm unsure about these.

My Books on Amazon

Marriage Counseling and Sex Stuff.

Oh, my word!

I’m gonna have to teach the Book: Song of Songs again. I’ve done it before in Bible study, and didn’t like teaching it back then, either.

Should this book even be in the Bible?  I guess it should, or it wouldn’t be here.  But good grief! It’s more erotic than the romance novels I write. If I submitted sexy stuff like this, my Christian publisher would never contract the book.  Have you read Solomon’s Song of Songs?  Let me remind you of some of the Scriptures.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine.

(Song of Songs 1:2 NIV Translation)

This is the female speaking, and if I were her, I’d return to my wine and forget this guy. Read on, he sounds like a real winner.

Take me away with you—let us hurry!  Let the king bring me into his chambers. (Song of Songs 1:4 NIV)

Here she’s talking again, and she signals she's a female hussy. She’s in a real rush to get to his bed. Maybe she’s had too much wine.

In chapter four, verse 5, of the Song of Songs, in the NIV, we read the following.

Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

In this passage, the male is whispering sweet nothings into the woman’s ear. See? I told you he's a winner. Now, ladies, how would you like to hear your breasts described as fawns? Seriously? Gentleman, please. Here’s a clue. Don’t tell your wife her boobs look like baby deer.

And how about this in chapter four, verse 12, NIV, Solomon talks about his lover's virginity. That's a romantic topic, right?

You are a garden locked up my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

So, before describing her virginity, the guy calls his bride his sister!  How yucky is that?  Guys, women don’t want you thinking of your sister or your mother while you make love to them.  And gentleman, if you’re thinking of a female relative while making mad, passionate love, you’re with the wrong woman. If fact, you need help for a sick, mental condition.

The Scripture continues, and in chapter 5, the woman confesses to removing her robe. She asks her lover, "Must I put it on again?"

Okay, I know I’m not supposed to poke fun at Holy Scripture. But come on already, how would you like to keep a straight face and teach verses like these to a class of adult men and women?

And get this, most of my class are widows and widowers. If these folks still had spouses, I guess I could call this unit, “Marriage Counseling and Sex Stuff,” but very few of my class participants have a significant others. They can’t leave my Sunday morning class and have an afternoon rendezvous.

Oh horrors! I’m blushing at the thought of this.

I may renege on this unit. I’m thinking of canceling the teaching on the Song of Songs. Maybe I’ll teach something simple like the Book of Hebrews.

Faith and Humor