You Got Mental Issues?

One statistic says one out of four American are mentally ill. Next time you're in a group of four people, if they all look normal, than you must be the one who's crazy.

Another statistic says mental illness strikes one every 60 seconds. Avoid crowds. Quite a few will suddenly become wacko. Pray it won't be you.

One stressed, mental patient returned to his doctor.
Patient: The liquid medicine doesn't work."
Doctor: "Did you drink it after a hot bath?"
Patient: "No, after I drank the bath, I couldn't get down the medication."

Friend: "I heard you have new meds for your mental illness? How much are you taking for it?
Patient:  "I don't know what will you give me?"

Did you hear about the man who read that wine was bad for mental health? He fixed his mental problem. He gave up reading about it.

Mental illness is not a joking manner, but sometimes we laugh to keep from crying. Dementia, and losing one's mind is a wordless horror. We watch our daughter lose brain functions and it's sad. On the other hand, people with Alzheimers and dementia often do and say funny things.  A man with dementia was asked to pray yesterday. He said, "Lord, don't let us fall into a ditch."  Perhaps his request was expressed in an odd, humorous manner, but the listeners understood. He was saying "Keep us safe."

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A Little Church Humor

What is a church?
A Place where you encounter nodding acquaintances.

Two men named Joe Smith lived near each other in the same town. One was a preacher, and the other a businessman. The minister died the same day as the businessman boarded a plane to Florida.  The Joe in Florida sent a message to his wife. Unfortunately, the message was delivered in error to the wife of the deceased minister.  The message read:  Arrived safely. Heat here is hotter than hell.  The minister's wife fainted.

A minister's wife was often called upon to play the piano for services. She wasn't a trained or talented pianist, but she was available. Knowing in advance she'd play for Sunday services, she went to the church to practice. When she finished, she left, but stopped to chat with the gardener. "How was my execution of the hymns?"  The gardener, wanting to be complimentary, replied, "I've never heard anyone kill music better than you." 

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Zingers from the Past

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:   "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

"That depends, Sir, "   said Disraeli,   "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy   ."

-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."

-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. for support rather than illumination."

-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx

How do you feel about these?  Are they funny? Rude?  Negative? Would you use them?  I write novels with faith and humor, but I'm unsure about these.

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